Balancing Professional Expertise and Parenthood: Navigating the Teen Years with My 13-Year-Old Daughter

As a professional with a background in trauma and family dynamics, I often find myself caught in a paradox: I’m supposed to have the tools and expertise to handle emotional challenges, yet when it comes to my own 13-year-old daughter, it feels like I’m at a loss. Despite my knowledge and experience, I’m still just a mom, and that means I’m not perfect—and that's okay.

Parenting a teenager is not easy, even for those of us who work with children and families every day. Lately, it feels like my daughter is constantly upset with me. Whether it's something I said, something I didn’t say, or even just the way I breathe, her reactions sometimes feel disproportionate to the situation. But here’s the thing I’ve come to realize: this is normal, and it’s a stage of development that she has to navigate in her own way, just as I have to find my way as her mom.

What’s Going On in the Teenage Brain?

One of the benefits of being a professional in the field of trauma and family dynamics is that I understand what's going on in her brain. Teenage years are marked by incredible brain development, particularly in areas related to emotional regulation and decision-making. The prefrontal cortex, which helps with impulse control, is still maturing, which means that teens are more likely to act on emotion. Hormonal changes can amplify this, making their responses more intense and less predictable.

As a parent, it’s important for me to remember that these emotional outbursts are not necessarily about me. They are often a reflection of the internal struggles she’s facing—pressure from peers, academic stress, body image concerns, and the need for independence clashing with her desire for security.

The Professional Hat vs. The Mom Hat

In my professional life, I know how to help young people work through their feelings, validate their emotions, and provide them with coping strategies. But at home, I’m just mom. The emotional charge is much higher, and my responses aren’t always as measured as I would like them to be. It’s hard to separate the professional part of me from the mom who just wants her child to be happy and safe. Sometimes I expect myself to have all the answers and get frustrated when I don’t.

However, I’ve learned that it’s okay not to be perfect. In fact, one of the most important things I can model for my daughter is self-compassion. I want her to know that it’s okay to make mistakes, that emotions are complex, and that relationships take work—even (or especially) parent-child ones.

What Can I Do?

Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful both as a professional and as a mom:

1. Active Listening: When my daughter is upset, I try to listen without immediately jumping in with solutions or corrections. Often, she doesn’t need me to fix anything; she just needs me to hear her.

2. Setting Boundaries with Empathy: While I want to validate her feelings, I also need to set limits. This is where the balance comes in. It’s okay to say no or enforce rules, but doing so with empathy can make a huge difference. "I see that you're frustrated, but we still need to talk respectfully" acknowledges her feelings while reinforcing boundaries.

3. Pick Your Battles: I’ve had to remind myself not to get drawn into every argument. Sometimes, it’s better to let smaller issues go. Does it really matter if her room is a mess right now? Probably not. I save my energy for the bigger discussions, like safety, school performance, and respect.

4. Give Her Space: Adolescents crave independence, and I’ve learned to respect that by giving my daughter the space she needs to figure things out. This doesn’t mean I’m not involved; it means I’m choosing to step back at times, allowing her to make choices and learn from them.

5. Model Emotional Regulation: As much as I want to respond calmly every time, I sometimes react emotionally. When that happens, I try to show her how I calm myself down. “I’m feeling really frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a minute to breathe,” is something I say out loud so she can see how I manage difficult emotions.

6. Seek Support: I remind myself that even though I’m a professional, it’s okay to ask for help. Whether it’s talking to a fellow therapist, getting advice from a friend, or even considering family therapy, it’s important to recognize when we need support in our parenting journey.

   
   

Embracing Imperfection

At the end of the day, being a professional in trauma and family dynamics doesn’t make me a perfect parent—and it doesn’t have to. What matters most is that I’m present for my daughter, that I’m learning and growing alongside her, and that I’m showing her that love, patience, and forgiveness (for both her and myself) are key components of any healthy relationship.

Parenting is a journey, and even though I’m still figuring it out, I take comfort in knowing that being a “good enough” mom is perfectly fine.

~Dr. Abi